A Scary Halloween Tale

(singing to myself) A duck  walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand...
"Oh Hello, I didn't see you there." I said, "I was just singing the best song ever, according to youtube."
"All you kids look great, we have a pretty pink princess, a cowboy, a pimp, and... a pig*&@$$#??? What are you supposed to be?" "My mom told me to be my dad for Halloween."
"Odd." It's all I could think to say. "Well hey, how about I tell you kids a scary ghost story?" "YYAAAYYYY" shouted the kids. "SHUT UP!" I shouted back, "I asked if you wanted to hear a story, that doesn't mean scream like your at a Puff Daddy concert."

Remember him? Yeah me neither

"So one day, on a cold dark Halloween night, just like tonight, there were 4 trick-or-treaters, just like you gu--"
"AAAHHHHHHHH" screamed the pretty pink princess. "WHAT ARE YOU SCREAMING ABOUT??? I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE SCARY PART!!!"
"I saw a man running out the door with a popsicle between his legs." She said.
My first thought was why my sex slave Julio (who-lee-o) was doing with a popsicle between his legs, I thought we were outta of them after playing prison. Then I realized this girl was probably 7 and she didn't realize what guys have that she doesn't. But her Halloween costume said otherwise, I swear they get sluttier and sluttier every year.






So I told her it was nothing so she started to cry, so I told her I was going to lock her in a closet with him if she didn't shut up. But she still kept crying, so I went out and bought her a diamond ring, she'll never say a word again.

I wish it worked ALL the time

"So back to my story" I started "It was a day like tonight with kids like you gu--" "AHHH--" screamed the pimp "WHAT IS IT THIS TIME!?!?!?!" i yelled.

"I had to fart and I didn't want anyone to hear it" said the pimp. 

"Oh, well thats alright then, I've done that before" Said I.

"OK so back to my story, day like to day, kids like you," i started. "But there was something strange about tonight. Tonight, on the 31st of October, Hall-"

"HALLOWEEN!!!!" screamed the pig F*$&@$. I just stared at him not knowing what to say and/do, because well what do you say to a kid thats either A) going to have mental problems when he gets older B) become a serial killer/rapist, or C) become like his dad.

Thats his brother/son in a couple of years

"Alright, Halloween, night like tonight, kids like you, and there was something different about tonight" I started, again, which is getting pretty old if you ask me. 

"The kids thought about how long it would take for their pillow case to be filled to the brim with candy, but what they didn't realize was that they should a been worried about the creepy old man following them. Not the kind that always has a Popsicle in his pocket that you have to reach for because his arthritis."

Told you. That speech bubble just made this 100 times better.

"But the kind that always has creepy music follow him every where. And inconveniently the kids never seem to hear it, because their all loud and annoying and like to interupt stories."

Bitches

The night was about to come to an end when out of the blue the man jumped out and scared the kids, and asked if they wanted to get those BIG, King sized candy bars. not those crappy "fun sized" ones. Well of course the kids are going to go. To put it in perspective, if on Halloween adults went door to door only getting $1 bills, but someone told you that they would bring you to a place where they gave out $100 bills, what would you do?

"So the kids followed the man thinking they were gonna hit the jackpot. What they didn't know was what kind of jackpot it would be. Then the man whipped out his so called "jackpot". It was a big...HUGE...LONG...HARD...P....E...N..pencil...sorry I have a stuttering problem somtimes.

Your dirty mind makes me 18!

"AAAHHHH!!" screamed the kids, and this time, I enjoyed hearing their screams. "And he told them they have to take a test!!"
The kids didn't think twice and ran out screaming. And never looked back.

That is the end of the scary Halloween story. Some may be disappointed about the ending, but this is a story for the kids, so what do you expect. "Now if you excuse me, me and Julio are going to go do each others, hair. BBBBBBYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE

Punch in the Face Good...WHAT?!?!

So I was walking towards my car after class yesterday, and i heard some guys talking about something, probably about sex, and drugs, and James Earl Jones, and Morgan Freeman. You know, what kids these days talk about.

                        

Why can't this be real?!?!?!

Then I heard one of them say, "Dude it was so good! Like punch you in the face good." THE F*#$?!?! I wanted to turn around and ask what they were talking about, but when you hear someone talking about how getting punched in the face is awesome, you'd prolly walk away to. If you don't, well you got some balls.

FUCK YEAH!!!!

I was just baffled. Who thinks something is so good its like getting punched in the face? So i did some research. I thought, maybe it has to do with sex, so I started to punch myself in the face, and little to no avail, I did not get aroused.

That was me after punching myself in the face. I don't know who's thumb that is tho.

Then I thought maybe if I watched a sad movie, so I picked the saddest movie I could muster up...so I watched Fever Pitch. If you don't think thats a sad movie, I'll tell you why it is. A. Jimmy Fallon is THE WORST actor of all-time, next to Ben Affleck, and B. they showed the Cardinals getting swept by the Red Sox in the world series. But as I punched myself in the face while the movie was going, I didn't find it arrousing either, but I liked doing it more than watching the stupid movie.

I hate you both. Please die.

I finally gave up on my search of finding out what "good" things make you want to punch yourself in the face. But I know, someday, somewhere, i will find out what it is thats so good, Ill want to punch myself in the face.

Curse you Wisdom Teeth!!!

So the other day I noticed that the back of my teeth were hurting pretty good. I was wondering what it was. Then I looked and saw that my wisdom teeth were coming in. I thought nothing of it. Until I went to eat something. Thats when i realized something. They hurt like a bitch. I wanted to cry everytime i bit down. So i got me a bottle of Oraljel and hoped i could hold off until Monday to call my dentist. Then once Monday rolled around, I found something HORRIBLE out. My dentist decided to take a week vacation. FML. Why does he decide to take a vacation? In September?!? Who does that? Stupid a-holes, thats who(not really, he's actually really cool). But thats what i thought when I heard that message. So luckily my dad has a different dentist, so i went to him instead. He was alright, but there was a draw back. He was one of those awkward people that like to repeat your name after/before every sentence. You know what im talking about. And if you don't, repeat your name before every sentence you read like I'm talking to you. But I got my teeth X-rayed and found out my tooth is infected and i need surgery. But, I got codeine(pain meds) so now I'm a happy camper. Not because the pills make me that way!

The greatest Mario Game EVER!!!

So I was just recently playing my X BOX 360, and i got bored with it. I thought, "When did games get so high tech and complicated?" So i decided to mix it up a little bit and play the regular old X BOX. But yet it still wasn't satisfying me. I wanted something simple, yet fun as hell. I went in my basement and looked through all my old systems. I had Gamecude, Dream-cast, N64, Sega Genesis. Then i stumbled on to my Super Nintendo and got excited. I hadn't played this thing in years. So i hooked and up AND---it doesn't work. I was pretty livid. So i asked if anyone had one that i could borrow, on Face-book. Lots of people commented, only to tell me that they had one, but wouldn't let me borrow it. So a week later, after playing super Nintendo at my buddy Caleb's house, my other friend Brady let me borrow his. That's when i discovered how great Super Mario World really is.

I figured I'd start off with Mario, because you can never go wrong there. As i was playing it, my childhood rushed back to me. I could remember playing this early morning on Saturdays, and whenever i could. I even remembered all the secrets to the game, and even discovered some new one's that i either forgot about, or just never discovered in the first place. The great thing aabout this Mario is that there are so many levels/secrets to do. There's easily about 100 different places/secrets to choose from. The game itself is really simple, but there are levels that just make u want to bite the controller, throw the controller, beat the hell outta your little siblings, or whatever pleases you. But if you've ever played Mario (and if you haven't go to the rock that you've been living under, and bash it against your head till your unconscious) you know that it always brings out the worst in people. Let me tell you, I'm no exception.

trolololololololo

So this video is pretty awesome. Do you agree? Well if you don't its probably because you don't have a soul. This video is probably one of the weirdest/ most awesome videos iv ever seen. So I've done some research for you all. I just know your dieing to find out what this is.

The mans name is Eduard Khil. I don't know how to say that so don't ask. He's Russian, so he probably drunk on vodka when this came out. But he was born in September 4, 1934. So I wonder if he was a Stalin fan. Probably not. But he was in alot of operas and what not, but i don't feel like writing them all down.

He was retired when this video came out in 2010. People even wanted him to go on a world tour. I'd go to see this guy. Of course he turned it down. He is currently helping his son with a band called Prepinaki. Don't know what that means, and there not mainstream. I say that because if there not on Wikipedia, it doesn't deserve to have one. And for all the people that say Wikipedia is not a citable source. Well you must have too much time on your hands. Or your a stupid useless feminist teacher at Red Bud High School.

Thats pretty much his life, not very exciting. But what do you expect from a Russian opera singer. I mean really. I just wanted people to see this amazing video. So thats why i did this.

Indian Condom Song

 I'm just going to cut to the chase and show you this great video.


This Will Change Your World

so how'd you like it? Makes you want to wear a condom and befriend an Indian friend. SECONDS after i first watched this, i downloaded it to my Ipod. you know why? It's catchy. If you don't think so, well you must hate condoms. And that's fine, but you know that bad things can happen if you don't use a condom. STD's, which are usually for LIFE. Or worse...




                                               
                                                        Aww...whats wrong with that?
Oh sorry, wrong picture, but he is a little cutie isn't he.

          

I want some Chili

Yeah, thats what your going to be looking at for 3 years or so, after you don't use a condom. And let me tell you, not all poop looks like chili. So next time you want to not wrap your STD infected "private parts" think of poop.

mmm...poop